I’m Back

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I know it’s been months since I last posted on this blog. In fact it was just after I finished the Rocky Mountain Avon Walk. I didn’t meant to slack off so long.  Things got a little crazy after the walk. My husband had two surgeries – one on his right foot which put him in leg cast for a while. My youngest son fell off an ATV and broke his wrist – just before school started.  And I got a “new” job. (I went back to my previous school.)

While I still continued to participate in breast cancer awareness and survivor activities (did a couple of motorcycle fundraiser runs, the Komen 5K at the Garden of the Gods, and attended a survivor’s retreat) I seemed to be holding back. It was almost as if I was holding my breath – as if I was avoiding this blog and my relationship with cancer.  Part of me felt that if I did, then I could deny my fears about the next mammogram.

In July, I saw my oncologist.  At that time he told me that he felt he could say with relative certainty that I was cured.  While that was exactly what I wanted to hear, in the back of my mind I didn’t believe him.  I can be a sad sack at times, convinced that nothing ever goes right for me and I think I was worried that was the case with the cancer.

Yesterday was my first mammogram after finishing radiation treatments.  To say I was worried would be the understatement of the year.  In fact I was so worried that I wrote sub plans and lined up a substitute just in case the mammogram wasn’t clear and I was too devastated to go into school.  In the days before the appointment I even had nightmares and I was getting even less sleep than I normally get.  All that might seem rather silly, but I think it’s also normal.  I’m happy to be a survivor, but it’s all still new to me and I can’t help but worry that the survivorship is the dream and I’ll wake up to a horrible reality.  I’m slowly letting go of those fears, but it will take a while.  Actually, knowing me, it will take until that 5th year – when I stop taking the tamoxifen – the year when many breast cancer survivors truly feel they have won the battle.

Oh, yeah – yesterday’s mammogram was normal!  They gave me a copy of my written report. I carried it around in my purse all day yesterday. I almost felt like getting it framed and hanging it on the wall next to my Master’s Degree.

So what now?  As I’ve said before I do want to get more involved in breast cancer (actually any cancer) awareness campaigns and supporting those with cancer.  I’m not exactly sure how I will do that. I will continue to participate in breast cancer walks and other events.  I’ll continue to attend survivor meetings/workshops.  I’d like to find away to help military spouses fighting cancer.  I’d really like to be an advocate for cancer screenings.  After all, a mammogram saved my life.  My lumps were too small to be found during a physical exam.

For now, I’m just thanking God for the many blessings in my life and asking Him to show me how I can make a difference.

Tony and I have already registered for the 2012 Rocky Mountain Avon Walk and we convinced our good friend  Jim to join us a well.  I’m going to try to make this blog more consistent. I want to try to use it as a way to help others and provide information.

In the beginning the surgeon told me my battle with cancer would not be a foot race, it’s would be a marathon.  I’ve finished the first leg of the race – just four more to go.  I hope you’ll continue the race with me.

Garden of the Gods Komen 5K with friends Jolene and Kathy

Shadow Mountain Riders: Annual Save The Twins Ride

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